The Fear Web

Hello Dearest Ones,
Here I am, stuck in the fear web. You know when you clear a cob web or spider web, how it sticks to your fingers or the broom? Webs are specifically designed to stick to things. That’s why fear uses a web as its favorite tool. Fear is happiest when we are stuck in its web.
I generally have a healthy layer of spiritual/ emotional web repellent on me, but my defenses seem to have been down when this wave of fear swept over me. I take it on faith, and experience, that I won’t be stuck for too long, but I must say, I’m not really enjoying the bound up feeling. I’m not enjoying the lack of wiggle room and the doomsday tunnel vision that accompany fear when it has you in its web.
The tricky thing about fear is how all encompassing it is. It doesn’t really allow for some fear, in that scary part of life, and light, trust and excitement in all the other aspects of life. Fear wants our undivided attention. And it is really good at convincing us that it should have it. Fear is a master at skewing our perceptions and experiences, so that they, in turn, seem to support and justify our fear. Before we know it, everything we look at, everything we experience, is coming to us through the lens of fear. Yep, that’s how stuck I am.
So, how did I get here? An exaggerated nervous system response to prior traumas being activated by a current experience. An experience that isn’t really traumatic in and of itself, but one that bears a resemblance to a traumatic experience. One that shares a very old, cellular, somatic, emotional and energetic tie to a trauma.
I had an initial freeze/ shock response to it that I couldn’t shake off for a couple of days. It created a lot of space inside of me, at a time when I was unable to rally my defenses, where the fear could build its web. Have you ever seen how fast a spider can build its web? It is amazingly swift. The web of fear was built inside of me before I even noticed it was there.
Then life happened: I had a mildly strained interaction with someone I love, a family friend who had been ill passed away, there had been a lot of free flowing collective fear, I overextended myself and became exhausted. These are all events that would likely create some strain on me, but with the presence of the fear web inside of me, my emotional response has been disproportionate. My rational mind and my heart can look at things and remind me of a more accurate perspective and interpretation of my experiences, but my body and my nervous system feel like we are stuck in a Chinese finger cuff. When I try to wiggle loose, the web gets tighter and more restrictive.
The fact that I’m writing about it is a good indication that I’m getting closer to discovering an exit route. I am doing a relatively good job of relaxing and surrendering into what is. I have learned the hard way that you really can’t fight what is. That is a bloody, losing battle. Of course, what wants to surface, as I surrender and become still, is a lot of self-judgment: “If you had just made a better decision in the first place this wouldn’t be happening. Sheesh, haven’t you dealt with this karma yet? You’d think you’d be over that by now. You’re just being lazy.” You get the picture.
Of course, shame and guilt are fears favorite allies. If it can’t overwhelm you with pure unadulterated fear, it can surely take you out with some well placed shame and guilt. Lucky for me, I have thoroughly dug through most of my shame and guilt, so they don’t hold as much sway with me. Those webs are not as sticky.
And there, finally, I find it. The exit. I keep digging below the fear, find what is really there (trauma, shame and guilt), acknowledge it, deconstruct it, heal what needs to be healed, and let the rest of it go. I stay hydrated, eat good food and get good sleep. I allow myself time and space to eventually wake up with a different, more accurate perspective. I notice my perspective has changed, and only a few strands of the web remain.
Admittedly, a couple of weeks later, I am still picking off random threads of the fear web. Certain situations still trigger a tightening of those leftover pieces of web. The tightening feels like a weight on my heart, but now my hands are free. I’m able to reach over and pluck the fear off, thank it for the educational opportunity, and throw that strand of it into the trash bin. So, I keep digging, keep walking, keep acknowledging and keep throwing away the bits of fear that I find. Eventually, maybe in a couple more weeks, I will (gratefully) begin to notice that I’m no longer carrying any fear.

Best wishes for a fear free fall,
lots of love,
Tawa